Sacrifice

"Lord Jesus, you suffered for me - what am I suffering for you?" - Corrie ten Boom

Over the last few days I have felt a little bit down.  I haven't felt very close to the Lord and have been feeling discouraged.  This morning I hit a point of desperation and forced myself to sit down and address what was going on with the Lord.  I spent a good amount of time repenting, and the Lord started to open my eyes to some truth.  He has been nudging me gently and whispering these truths to me for a while now, but He brought new clarity and depth to the revelation this morning.

It is often difficult for me to put into words a revelation that the Lord has given me when it is given as a deep knowing or understanding in my heart rather than a clear word from Him that I can write down and share.  The new truth that He is showing me has come with some clear words, but it is mostly a heart knowledge that He is birthing.

Basically, the Lord has been showing me how selfish I am.  He has been revealing how I have been perverting Christianity into a religion that is self-serving and worldly.  I want to know Him and serve Him, but I don't want to sacrifice anything to get to Him.  I wrote about three pages of confessions and questions concerning this.  It is raw, and a bit of a harsh rant in places, but I will go ahead and share some of it in hopes that someone benefits:

"Following Jesus comes with sacrifice.  There is a high cost associated with going after Him. Am I prepared to pay the price?  The Bible says that I will suffer like Christ if I am truly following Him.  What am I suffering for Him?  What great cost am I paying?  Giving up a few sins?  Christ gave up much more.  It seems like I still want my own way.  I want to be comfortable and have a hassle-free existence.  How could I pervert the gospel that requires suffering and sacrifice into a religion that has its purpose in providing for my needs and keeping me comfortable?  Is the abundant life that Jesus promises filled with worldly pleasures?  Is the reward for following Jesus supposed to be a life where all of my desires are fulfilled?

My view of following Jesus and what it means has become so perverted.  I have made it all about me, my comfort, and what I can gain.  My only intercession is for my needs and desires. Where is the burden for the Kingdom?  Where is the love for my brothers and sisters?  When I look at the heroes of the Bible, I don't see many with worldly wealth and trouble-free existences.  Those who are the most devoted are the ones who suffer the most.  They are so dead to themselves that they don't care what they suffer.  Their only desire is the will of God, no matter what the cost.

How do I die to myself?  How do I escape the clutches of humanism?  How so I live for Jesus? Truly live for Jesus.  My existence is so soft and self-serving.  How do I escape the cycle of selfishness?  I want to give everything up for Jesus, but the cost seems so high!  My desire is to do His will, but I don't want to suffer.  What arrogance!  To want all of the benefits of knowing God but without the suffering!  It is humanism and idolatry!

Jesus is the only reason to live.  I should be willing to give up everything of myself to have Him. I've given up very little really.  I pursue the things that make me feel good and say that they must be God's will because they feel right.  God's does not promise pleasure in a worldly sense. His will often brings suffering.  Something deeper is satisfied and the joy is deeper when His will is done.  It is a joy in pleasing the One whose opinion matters most, not a joy that satisfies the flesh.  I have to stop living for my carnal and fleshly desires.  There is no fulfillment in trying to please myself.  Everything should be unto the Lord.

In other countries there isn't this perversion of true faith in Jesus into self-help, medicate my flesh Christianity.  There is desperation for God.  True, deep, need on a spiritual and eternal level.  None of this squishy, personal gratification religion.  There is so much at stake.

The world is dying.  How can I expect it to provide anything worthwhile?  Why would I expect to find any fulfillment in this life other than doing God's will?  The only worthy calling in this life is awakening others to the fallen nature of man and the world and sharing with them the promise of true life in eternity.  Why do I run after the desires of the flesh?  This world cannot fulfill me.  Only pulling others from the fire has any worth.  The fear of man must die, and the fear of God must reign in my heart.  

Nothing on Earth can satisfy me but to do the will of my Father.  His will is that I love Him and love others.  I'm tired of living on crumbs.  I'm tired of the river inside of me being only a trickle.  It is not for me, it is for others.  Why do I think it is about me?  

Lord, make me a servant like You.  Give me a broken heart for the lost, and conquer my fears so that I will be bold in the Spirit for You.  I need to learn to share in your sufferings and Your death."

So that is what came out this morning.  There wasn't any condemnation with any of it, only lots of humbling and a deeper understanding of my depravity and God's goodness.  After writing all of this down I had a powerful worship time.  Toward the end of my worship time with the Lord I began singing these words over and over:

"Those who have nothing left to live for in this world are the ones who come to know you Jesus."

Lets take up our crosses and die to ourselves, then we will truly know the One who is the only source of Life. - I love you all.